Dons Epic Meltdown Rant to the Guys About Risk

[Brother Don goes full-Chernobyl on the whole gang with the following email reply after another unnamed Brother announced he was dropping out of the 2015 trip to Bolivia*, claiming that he is “risk averse” and implying that traveling to is Bolivia too risky]

*which was later cancelled due to major health incident of one of the brothers

Brothers of the Arctic:

For the record, the Arctic Brotherhood has never been “risk averse.”  We are true adventurers.  Everything we do is about risk taking.   We vertically climb Half Dome by pulling ourselves up rusty steel cables; we camp in deep slot canyons in southern Utah where people regularly drown from flash floods; near Kodiak Island we sleep in a campground with nothing between us and 13 grizzly bears except a flimsy electric wire; we climb Angels Landing after passing warning signs showing stick figures falling to their death; in remote Alaska, we saddle up to and touch the source of a massive volcano with steam still coming out it;  in New Mexico we crawl in a deep cave and get stuck; in Wyoming we abort our plans and retreat out of a dense forest in a full-blown snow storm like the 28th Infantry Division returning from the Siege of Bastogne;  on the Alaska peninsula, we ford freezing-cold, fast-moving, thigh-deep streams only to stumble and lose gear; we camp in the central Alaskan backcountry just a short distance from where a guy is killed by a brown bear the following year;  in Montana we knowingly pitch our tents in the EXACT spot where 39 years before, a teenage girl was dragged out of her sleeping bag and mauled to death by the same apex predator;  in the rain, we boulder-hop on massive glacier moraine in remote southern Argentina, where a slip probably means broken bones, a multi-day evacuation and questionable medical care;  we spend an uncomfortable night in Wyoming with no scotch whisky and a howling pack of wolves circling our tent in the distance; we stay in a sketchy hotel in a bad section of inner-city Seattle, for the sole benefit of trying to save a few shekels.

Clearly, taking RISK is what we, in the Arctic Brotherhood, fucking do.  If you want risk-averse, join your local Rotary Club.  No one gets off this planet alive.  Trust me in that our heirs will remember us more fondly if our obituaries read that we bit the dust on one of our bad-ass A-B adventures, rather than the more-likely alternative of death by a bizarre, alcohol-related gardening accident at home.

I just happened to watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation the other night and I think Chevy Chase (playing the character Clark Griswald) summed it up nicely as the frustrated dad who totally lost his cool:

Clark Griswald:  “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. Were all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. Were gonna press on, and were gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, hes gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”

Like Clark Griswald said, no one is getting off this email chain.  We’re all going to buck up and enjoy the entire Bolivian experience.  Do some research on traveling to Bolivia vs relying on your preconceived notions.  You’ve find outstanding travel reviews and very little negative.

Don Lake
Arctic Chief

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